What in the fuck is this guy’s problem? We here at deadman/party had simply let him slip our collective mind because we thought he was just another flabby necked old guy behind a bunch of overrated movies until we were informed by an intern today that the Clone Wars movie (cartoon?) features some sort of mini Jabba the Hut who is talks with that pimp by way of New Orleans accent. We haven’t seen the Clone Wars (or anything else he made after The Phantom Menace ’cause it broke our virgin hearts) therefore, we cannot confirm that Jar-Jar Creole exists but it isn’t hard to imagine Lucas’s black-face tribute to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. This lead us to ponder the films of his that we had seen.
We skipped THX-1138 simply because we don’t care. All that comes to our collective conscious is a lot of white (something to figure throughout his whole career, har har). Next is American Graffiti, which was the pumping of lotion before the massive masturbation session the baby boomers have been having for the past thirty to thirty-five years. Excepting Harrison Ford this movie has really nothing to offer those of us born after 1960.
And then, The Trilogy. The Holy Trinity of every fat bearded asshole who keeps that other fat bearded asshole, Kevin Smith, making movies. It must be admitted that we have seen the set a number of times, and saw them when they were re-released into the theaters. Shoot, we were excited when they re-released them into the theaters, though none us had light saber duels in the ailes, nor did we clap when the Death Star blew up. Even though we like them, we are firm on the fact that they are not good movies no matter what you say and we know that all of the Yoda shtick is simply obnoxious semi-literate eastern pot smoke philosophy nonsense. Or the teachings of self styled “Buddhist Methodist.” But we walked out of those theaters pissed. We would have blogged about it if we hadn’t unloaded on the closest AOL chat room. Why in the fuck would you add that Disney song and dance number into Jabba’s palace? And why would you get rid of the ewok song? Most importantly, why would you take some of the very best special effects ever and ruin them with CGI? This is what happens when you take away the limits to an idiots imagination. Everything becomes dull.
In the middle of all this he teamed up with Speilberg to make some pretty kick ass adventure movies, but that’s no excuse for a pod race. And it’s not an excuse for what seems to be an unquenchable thirst for money ringing through the box office registers. Mr. Lucas owns half of the Presidio, what more could he want?
And then he made a bunch more bullshit that we didn’t bother to see. Really, who cares anymore? If it wasn’t for Raiders of the Lost Ark, we probably would have forgotten who the hell this guy is. Even renting something he has done lately is like taking home that 50 year old self-described ‘cougar’ that floats Sex and the City lines at you as you are trying to order a beer. We don’t care how hot she once may have been, she’s annoying, sad, pathetic and though you may want to go home with her for what promises to be a fun time with a whiff of nostalgia, you are going to find yourself deeply unsatisfied and wondering how that could have ever been good after it’s all over.