We here at deadman/party are not the most fashionable of men (our knowledge is about as current as the copy of GQ they have at the dentist’s office) but we know enough to know when enough is enough. And we hope to throw Christian Audigier under a bus. Mr. Audigier is responsible for not only the Von Dutch trucker hat–accessory to the most annoying bitches of all time and one step away from the leather cowboy hat–he is also the man behind the Ed Hardy line of apparel abominations. Please understand that we are not the type of people to scoff at quasi high-fashion because we don’t work enough hours as claims adjusters to be able to afford it; nor are we the type that thinks that Rustler jeans and a GAP sweatshirt make a suitable outfit for a first date, we just find spending 85 dollars on a t-shirt mass produced by a ‘lifestyle brand’ sickening.
The Von Dutch cheese-grater, mesh-back or, as it is now commonly known, trucker hat is an interesting piece of American fashion. For a brief period in the early 2000’s it was common enough to see this hat on scummy types cultivating that ‘white trash’ vibe. Then, suddenly, the human elite that is Hollywood began wearing such hats with a patch that said ‘Von Dutch.’ Immediately every don’t-be-jealous asshole in America that could afford a $60 hat was wearing one. Eventually the hats found their way to TJ Maxx and the saturation was too complete even for those with more money than taste. Luckily Mr. Audigier’s bird-brain was fast at work, but rather than exploiting Kustom Kulture (and a man who hated money), he cleverly exploited Sailor Jerry’s Rum. So now every tanned asshole in $200 jeans made to fit over an adult diaper is sporting an Ed Hardy t-shirt. Unless they are a female tanned asshole, in which case they are sporting a sequined Ed Hardy t-shirt. If only we could send some sort of death tone to every bluetooth in America.
And the man himself, well he is proud to have ‘created’ (?) the trucker hat trend and the ‘lifestyle of street couture.’ Also, he is very proud of the over 5000 celebs that wear his trash. His website even has photos of all the people we admire for their contributions to human history (Liza Minelli, Brittany Spears, DJ Clue, Fergie, etc.) and a bunch of people we have never heard of (who are they? reality stars? celebrity gossip bloggers? people on VH1?) wearing his brands. The very idea that we would be so impressed by these arguments for abortion wearing Mr. Audigier’s trash makes us feel like screaming at a wall. This punch heard round the world will be for everyone who understands that more money does not make you a better person, it just amplifies how unjust it is for you to be breathing our precious air.