We at deadman/party got off on a bad foot (boot?) with Hulk Hogan. Mr. Hogan became a wrestling superstar by defeating Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania III and though we have never been big wrestling fans, we always preferred the massive size and wit of Mr. the Giant to Hogan’s flag waiving and vitamin taking. Still, the Hulkster’s hot guitar licks, association with Rick Derringer, and baffling “Hollywood” Hogan beard were enjoyable enough. Whether co-starring with Sly Stallone in Rocky III or a boat in Thunder in Paradise (this series provided the inspiration for our friends to form the much loved but nearly completely forgotten band Speed Boat and the Hulk Hogans, a musical ensemble with a man in a cardboard speed boat suit for a lead singer and three instrumentalists dressed as Hulkamaniacs), the Hulk’s earlier “acting” endeavors were good for a chuckle. Our distaste for Mr. Hogan is not a result of his exploits on the mat or previous work in movies and t.v., but rather his more recent entry into the reality television arena.
On some level, Ozzy Osbourne’s brood is to blame for the “you people in middle America think we are strange and evil but really we are a loving family” approach to reality television. Following in the footsteps of “The Osbournes” came a deluge of clones featuring such luminaries as Snoop Doggy Dogg, Gene Simmons, Dee Snider, and of course the Hogans. The main problem with “Hogan Knows Best” (aside from being almost completely unwatchable) is that the “we are really a loving family” meme falls pretty flat when the family in question is one platinum blonde disaster after another. Are we really supposed to buy Mr. Hogan’s overprotective, “no boys near my daughter” act when he stands idly by during her Maxim photo shoot or when she has a stripper pole installed in her apartment or he attends her Spring Break (SPRING BREAK!!!) foam party? Sorry man, the proof is in the pudding and in this case, your bikini-clad daughter is wrestling in the damn pudding.
Currently, Hulk is the star of “Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling” and although we have managed to avoid this show to date, we feel pretty confident that we aren’t missing too much and have seen enough of Screech, Danny Bonaduce, and Todd Bridges fighting (or doing anything for that matter) to satisfy our appetites for the foreseeable future. We are well aware that Mr. Hogan could probably snap each of our heads off like a dandelion, but we are still willing to at least attempt to tear our shirts off and punch him in the face.