Anyone who has met any of us at deadman/party knows that we don’t put much of a premium on being a badass. We are never looking for a fight, aren’t particularly imposing, and are deeply suspicious of tough guys. That being said, we can’t help but salute the awesome power of Jim Brown.
Unlike its endlessly entertaining baseball counterpart, old time football footage generally looks pretty silly. Nobody really throws the forward pass, the kickers all kick from straight back, and it seems pretty obvious that USC would probably beat any old NFL team by 40. I’m sure that Y.A. Tittle and Red Grange were fine athletes and tough sons of bitches, but they weren’t really playing anything equivalent to today’s game. Jim Brown represents the beginning of the end of the old days. He looks like fucking Godzilla on the field dragging helpless opponents into the end zone, their best efforts but a minor inconvenience to Mr. Brown. And then, before he even turned 30, Brown retired. Former Cleveland Browns owner and official Ohio state pariah Art Modell wouldn’t allow Brown to report late to training camp (because he was filming a movie), so Mr. Brown told him to go fuck himself. We at deadman/party think this was a badass move, mostly because it offends the sensibilities of so many high school football players who spend their lives bitter that they never got a shot at the big time (pissing off Modell didn’t hurt either).
Of course football skills alone do not a beered man make. Brown starred in the Schwarzenegger dystopian masterpiece The Running Man, Tim Burton’s Mars Attacks! and in his spare time became the greatest lacrosse player of all time (sorry bro!). He also works with convicts and gang members with his Amer-I-Can program. Could anybody be better qualified for that task than the baddest dude in America? He has that quality that makes everything he says seem like the absolute truth (perhaps because he only speaks the absolute truth). I think he could probably convince us to jump off a building in about 5 minutes. Thankfully, he uses his powers of persuasion for good. The only thing working against him is that he is only our second-favorite person named James Brown. Mr. Brown, even though we suspect that you could drink 300 beers without cracking a smile or having to pee, we would still like to buy you one.