Oh, Adam, you used to be funny. Well, sort of funny. Opera man, Cajun man. And who could forget his advice for low-cost Halloween costumes? Look at me! I’m smiley boy! I got a big smile on face! Give me some candy! Unfortunately, since Mr. Sandler left SNL, he seems to have heeded his own advice and crafted a bunch of obnoxious films on his own facetious maxims. Look at me! I’m Mr. Crazy Hockey Golf Man. Give me some money! Look at me I’m Mr. Alcoholic Mentally Challenged Company Heir. Give me some shares of your company! Hi, I’m the same guy as that last one only now my name is Mr. Deeds! Hi, look at me! I’m Mr. Crazy Guy With Water Wings! Give me some… uh. Okay, we never watched Overboard!, but from the box alone, we can rest assured it blows.
And of course there are his more serious roles. Like the when where Drew Barrymore plays some hot retarded chick, that was, like, hit over the head with a boom mic on the set of E.T., or something. Or who could forget Spanglish? Where something happens with, uh, that chick that looks like Penelope Cruz when she’s, like, cleaning up after these white folks. Or the wonderful lesson the world gleaned from the ending of Don’t Mess With The Zohan, that Jews and Muslims can live together without going all Gaza if they just move to New York and open up competing electronic stores on opposite sides of the street.
Of course, Paul Thomas Anderson may have channeled Sandler’s intrinsic quirks into a semi-interesting character. But come on now, not even can Jesus forgive making a career out of shouting that weird voice that all grown men seem to take on when they talk at babies or dogs, during the course some ‘half-witted misfit saves the day and gets the girl’ plot. And even if Adam hadn’t made it big in show biz, he’d still probably be the type of guy that goes to bars in track pants and talks your ear off about the new lazy boy he just bought with his stimulus check. Hey Adam, if you have that magical remote from that one movie we didn’t bother seeing, now would be a good time to press slow motion. We’d love to see those jowls ripple with impact.