We’re not going to lie, a few of us wanted to be David Copperfield when we grew up. One of us even wanted to be the Dickens character, but that’s another story. (Are we above punching a dead man for penning a bible-sized novel we were forced to read in high school? Probably not, but again, that’s a different story.) The point is, we eventually turned ten, and realized that men that pretend to cut themselves in half are decidedly wankers. Not so for the likes of Criss Angel.
We’ll spare Mr. Angel from the fashion police. So he dresses like Tommy Lee’s gay body double. What of it? The fact of the matter is this: he isn’t even cool enough to be a weirdo. Weirdos have chutzpa. This fucker just spent the entire check he got from making a Lamborghini disappear on jeans at Hot Topic so that the weirdos would let him sit at their table in the cafeteria.
And when did acting like a sexual predator on crank start going hand in hand with making shit disappear? The look in that man’s mascara-outlined eyes makes us not want to risk having kids. If you go to the registered sex offenders website for Las Vegas, you’ll notice a red dot will momentarily disappear whenever Mr. Angel performs a vanishing act. When he wears an open fur coat with no shirt you can actually see the tip of his wee mind freak peaking above his skull and crossbones belt buckle. We thought you Vegas showbiz types had some class! At least David Copperfield had the decency to wedge his porcelain Buddah into a cummerbund when on stage. But then again, today’s illusionists don’t all have private Bahaman Islands on which to do their bidding. Don’t worry Criss, we’ll be gentle with this lick, and give you fair warning. After all, we haven’t forgotten how Houdini died.