Criss Angel


We’re not going to lie, a few of us wanted to be David Copperfield when we grew up. One of us even wanted to be the Dickens character, but that’s another story. (Are we above punching a dead man for penning a bible-sized novel we were forced to read in high school? Probably not, but again, that’s a different story.) The point is, we eventually turned ten, and realized that men that pretend to cut themselves in half are decidedly wankers. Not so for the likes of Criss Angel.

We’ll spare Mr. Angel from the fashion police. So he dresses like Tommy Lee’s gay body double. What of it? The fact of the matter is this: he isn’t even cool enough to be a weirdo. Weirdos have chutzpa. This fucker just spent the entire check he got from making a Lamborghini disappear on jeans at Hot Topic so that the weirdos would let him sit at their table in the cafeteria.

And when did acting like a sexual predator on crank start going hand in hand with making shit disappear? The look in that man’s mascara-outlined eyes makes us not want to risk having kids. If you go to the registered sex offenders website for Las Vegas, you’ll notice a red dot will momentarily disappear whenever Mr. Angel performs a vanishing act. When he wears an open fur coat with no shirt you can actually see the tip of his wee mind freak peaking above his skull and crossbones belt buckle. We thought you Vegas showbiz types had some class! At least David Copperfield had the decency to wedge his porcelain Buddah into a cummerbund when on stage. But then again, today’s illusionists don’t all have private Bahaman Islands on which to do their bidding. Don’t worry Criss, we’ll be gentle with this lick, and give you fair warning. After all, we haven’t forgotten how Houdini died.


9 responses to “Criss Angel

  1. I just threw up everywhere.

    One of his eyes is noticeably smaller than the other.

  2. God dammit. I saw this first thing in the morning and I can’t stop thinking about this piece of shit. What I can’t get over is how he seems to pull so many women. It makes me so ashamed of my gender. If this guy even LOOKED in my direction, I would kick his ass. Or call the cops.
    So gross. THANKS A LOT.

  3. Criss Angel is undoubtedly a douchebag, but I have to admit, I used to sort of enjoy watching Mindfreak. However, in the last couple of years, his douchebaggery has reached a level that even his magic can’t eclipse. So, given that, I would have to agree: Punched.

  4. I love this!–so close to the real criss angel.–check out the vegas gossip: punch in criss angel submissive sleights, then youll understand his supernatural show 10 yrs ago,and now the believe show having him turn into a lusty woman named CRIMSON for some naughty S&M.

  5. What a douchebag!

  6. I forgot to say that I was just Googling things, and typed in Criss Angel the Douchebag, and this came up. How does this guy not know he’s a total douche bag? You’d think he thought he was a witch or powerful shamen or something, but really he’s just an idiot magician with his head stuck up his ass. I would like the show better if he wasn’t so needlessly dramatic. Have you seen his website? You have to pay 100 dollars just to see what props you need to buy from him to levitate. I want to mace Criss Angel. How did he get his own show, and why is it called Mindfreak, and not 30 Minutes of a High School Drama Dropout Douchebag? I guess it was to save on the buttons and t-shirts all the wannabee emo’s, goths and freaks buy.

  7. You assholes are all just JEALOUS that you can’t even PRETEND to do the stuff he does. Which is why you waste your time & others time posting bullshit like this. And you guys say he’s a douchebag? Not from where I’m sitting. By the way that pic doesn’t even look like him his eyes aren’t hazel like that & this guy is way paler. Get over yourselves & go waste someone else’s time.

  8. chupenmela miando, la traigo bien erecta

  9. no se, soy de Argentina no puto Ingles (fak English) Obama I LOVE YOU

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